Column

A Brilliant Criticism of the Modern World and Shameless Self Promotion
In the style of Mary Schmich

How do you be someone you’re not?
Trick question. You can’t. By definition, you can’t. That’s like asking how a cat can be an investment banker. But if you can’t be someone you’re not, what do you do? Answer: You create someone who is.
If you can't stand crowds and can't tell a joke to save your life, you create someone who can. It's more than just altering your conscious self, you really are creating a new person (metaphorically). If you give that person a name, consult a psychiatrist.

Think of every person you saw today. Go ahead. Close your eyes and think.

Done?  Now, I hate to break it to you but you didn't see anyone today. Or at least just not who they really are. You saw the person they wanted you to see.
That old lady falling asleep reading Pride and Prejudice? She rocks harder than Gene Simons. The socialite laughing and talking to everyone in the coffee shop? She wishes she were home with her cats.

No one is who they say they are. We all create personas to be who we aren't.

Now you may be one of those people who pat themselves on the back because they stay true to themselves of whatever other Hallmark-grade bull crap they found on their fortune cookie but you know that’s not true.

You just won't admit it.

Behind closed doors, sure. There’s no reason to lie to yourself behind closed doors unless who you really are really is that screwed up, which is also possible.
It’s just a matter of how well we hide it.
Some of us are better at this than others. Which is the only limitation we have. Not what we are capable of, but how well we hide it.

There are entire industries built off making our ruses more convincing. Take make-up for example. When we smear whatever weird powdery substance (that could probably kill a small horse if ingested) on our faces we're not just putting on a new face, we are putting on a new personality.

A new role in life.

Instead of being a tired, old soccer mom you can become one of those people who spends way too much time deciding on what kind of pretensious house deccorations to buy. Instead of being the life of the party you can work a nine to five job and develope a severe drinking problem to cope with the harsh realities of having to settle down for an 80s sitcom of a life in the suburbs.